I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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