im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
FUCK WHALES
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