So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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