I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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