flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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