just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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