A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
