i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
