I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
