didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
