textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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