My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
