Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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