My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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