My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize