i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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