Tell her she can't have a vagina
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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