i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
