Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
