He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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