I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
