My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
