maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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