OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A bitchslap is in order.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
