My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize