So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
