I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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