How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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