She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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