Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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