New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
