He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
