you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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