Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
