I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
