What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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