they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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