There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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