then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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