I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
its not stalking. its research.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
