Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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