Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize