Your tits are I can't wait for
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
