My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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