If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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