We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
