I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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