My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
