It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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