$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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