I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
