She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize