Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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