Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I will pee on everything he values.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
