The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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