Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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