We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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