doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
