just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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