my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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