Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
